My community surrounds me. It envelopes me as a warm blanket around a vulnerable newborn. It is not even a week since my fiancé Joshua left on a long journey to Israel for most of the next year. His flight left SeaTac late Monday afternoon. We made our goodbyes to each other (ranging from wonderfully overjoyed and anxious in that good way, to tearful and heartbreaking, all the while being so connected to one another), my beloved and I, about 2:30 that afternoon as he was about to pass through the security checkpoint, through to the gate of “No Turning Back Now”.
As someone who has never before lived truly alone, who just moved out (ask me to tell the tale sometime) into her own place without roommates, let me tell you this: silence is deafening. The lack of physical contact with your partner (I know volumes have likely been written about it beyond the internet) really throws me, too. If there are good resources to help with this online, in book form, in audio format (no matter the kind), or in town, please let me know. Long distance with a partner in a long-term study-abroad is a bit different than military deployment, but Hashem knows what can be left unsaid here.
My … community… I missed services last night, and Rachel’s bat mitzvah this morning, both in the name of trying to get things moved out of the old house, haunted full of ghosts and memories for many who have lived there. I regret not being there for her, though I understand this is a year set aside for me to learn, and grow, in how to accept myself and what I need to do for me so I can later bring out and give more back to the community I find myself loving more and more.
Awe, amazement, a true sense of humbleness in how much others care for me, and not just as an extension of him, Joshua, nor even as an extension of my mom, but for me! I am valued for who I am, for what I bring to the table, for what I have offered, for what I have to offer, for what has nothing to do with offering or not offering.
Breathe in with me for a moment. Pause, and hold it a few seconds. Let it out through your nose.
The Jewish calendar, this 5772, filled with synchronicity and too many coincidences to count. It seemed to begin late March, when what I wanted, started happening. The whole world just opened itself to me! If these are the gates of the world, and all it takes is stepping through and asking for one thing, how was it not obvious beforehand? How is it still seemingly obvious AND obfuscated at the same time???
I must sleep with intention, or fall asleep soon and wake up to crashing noises and dead things in the morning. Laila tov, my sweet friends, my mishpocha!